Our lives are interwoven with threads of family, friends and necessary Networks, we are crocheted together with these loved ones, outwardly, presenting a beautiful design of a rug, but beneath it, you will see struggles as these threads are tangled up. Bouquets look beautiful, much more than a flower branch. We have Takers and Givers in these Networks.
I had a loved one called on Sunday, last week and she was so worked up from the demands of her family, she was asked to give even the little she got left of her money and they all created different ways of asking her, ranging from ,begging and crying to yelling and blackmailing her , she created no line, so there was no line to cross or to respect, obviously , they played all over her, she couldn’t say No to them…from her pain and explanation, these her “loved ones “surrounding her were all trying to take from her, she was losing her peace because of the rancor, all for her money, despite having her shopping list filled with stuff for these same people, not even one for herself, it was like she was surrounded with sharks and hyenas like our Nigerian First lady once described Takers , yes Jackals too… I could easily visualize it. I resisted all urge to say “you caused it”.
Who is a Taker?
You can pick them out easily; it’s all about this line “What is in it for me?” Although, No one wants to be seen as a Taker, we still find a lot of Takers in and around us.one on a team is enough to drain the other Givers to a burn out point.
How do you treat most of the people most of the time?
According to Adam Grant, you can recognize a Taker through the following;
“I and me more than us and we to take credit whenever talking about their group or team work, they only care about themselves.
Their social media pictures look pretty better than their looks in person.
They treat people, below and above them, distinctly differently, they kiss up and then kick down, they act caring and warm around people that can help them and act cold with less powerful people that they think they can’t benefit from. Many takers are good fakers; they put on a nice impression until they get what they want.” These Takers may think they are just being smart.
Who is a Matcher?
You may hear stuff like “I will do something for you if you do something for me”
My challenge with this group is that; what if you have a pressing need and you have nothing in exchange for that need, what will you do? Some givers end up falling into this Matchers group after they sense that they are being used by Takers, especially when their motive for giving is to sow in order to reap in the future.
Who is a Giver?
Those humans who give from a place of giving, contribution, and selflessness, they don’t need to give in order to get, they take the higher route. Givers can even ask on behalf of other people.
Givers can be grouchy but still have the inclination to give without any strings attached. They give freely.
Givers just love helping others.
Givers say “yes” to everything, most times to sacrificing themselves, they suffer, spending a lot of their lives solving people’s issues.
They themselves find it difficult asking for help, they don’t like bothering people.
Giving without keeping scores is the most effective reciprocating style one can embrace. However, it’s important that we don’t let it lead to a burnout.
Our loved ones may love us for real but they some may still come with the baggage of strangling us with every unfulfilled need of theirs, these sets of people tend to make their budgets with your money in mind, they may have you as their supplier of need and for nothing else. Whenever their names shows on the phone screen, you are sure it’s for a need and no just to say hi…you know them, yesterday a friend of mine talked about the Interest-Power/influence quadrant , which is still human nature to have some people in your life simply for what they can get from you and some that life flung your way and they stuck with you as parasites, oops this reminds me of the chubby mosquitoes that bit me in church and left me scratching my feet, you see I don’t need it for anything in my life but it fastened itself to my flesh ,sucking my well-nourished blood and not just that , it’s giving me some malaria, that’s if it’s the female type, I didn’t check, I don’t even know how to tell the difference. I divert… you see some people may get really angry over your money, particularly when you refuse to give enough. They may have a sense of entitlement over what you earned and no matter the amount you give, they keep taking, when they don’t have limits for their “Taking issue, you will need to set limits for yourself as the Giver, lest you go down, the same set of people are quick to say, you are irresponsible and can’t really take care of yourself, they are not even aware that they are the ones stopping you from achieving the pedestals they see as high enough for you.
When I first got my job, it was a good sum, I had never received a six digits salary for myself and I was so excited, though it never made it to the end of the month, even for my transport fare to the office. Some years ago, I was told I couldn’t compete with Mother Theresa, it didn’t really help my giving. Most of my acquaintances would call me, introduce themselves and tell me their issues, one once asked me to buy a car engine and send it to him, they asked for all sorts of things, though I couldn’t buy that engine .I was just astonished at the expectation. There was a time I was sharing this with a colleague, expecting her to praise my Benevolence and my love to all the people of the world but she spurted out saying, “You are highly irresponsible, if you cannot take care of even your transport and your daily food. You should have a limit, if you have the money budgeted for these basic things, you can conveniently tell your Takers that you don’t have enough to give you just have sufficient for your basic needs, and sometimes you may not even need to follow your NO with an explanation”. I stared at her…she must be kidding I thought, or she must be stingy or shrewd I thought but then I never desired being stranded without my transport fare in the middle of the month so I obliged and took her piece of advice .
How do you help prevent a burn out?
• Learn how to ask for help
• Weed out the takers in your close team/circle.
• Always give a strong why before you give lest you reach a burnout.
• It’s important to strike a balance; it increases your energy and time to even do more.
• Keep some information private, especially about your finances.
• Recognize those who keep taking all the time.
• Learn not to indulge them by saying no when their demands are ridiculous
I pray we all come to see Success differently; as more about contribution and helping other people succeed. Loving our work on realizing the difference it makes in the society ,good intentions and motives towards others ,not about “Will they repay me?” but replace it with “ I‘d be happy to help.”
Can you name five names of people you have improved their lives?
Adam Grant in his book, “Give and Take” threw more light on this, you may like to check him up for more on this.
Thanks for reading, you may kindly leave a comment,explaining how you were able to deal with Takers around you.
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